just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Randomize
