what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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