I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
