I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I need a burrito and a hug.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
