I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
