Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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