remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
