I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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