my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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