I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
