you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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