I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Randomize
