Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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