I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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