im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
