Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
I'm gonna have a badass scar
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
I'm bleeding and have questions
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
