When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
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