He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
