just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
