oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
