then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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