she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
