Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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