just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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