I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Randomize
