we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
