i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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