His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Randomize
