Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
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