I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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