every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
