If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
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