I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
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