just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I stole a fireplace last night.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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