In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
50% drunk capacity currently
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
I deserve this hangover.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
