my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
