Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize
