I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Randomize
