Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
