id be glad to
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
