i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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