Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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