Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
Sober January is a disaster.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Randomize
