the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
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