She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
no, he came in my armpit
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
