You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
