I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Randomize
