I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
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