apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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