I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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