I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
